Flashback: A Moment in Time

I was living in my first apartment in Nashville and dating the ex. I had so many hopes and dreams and had wrapped them up with a pretty little bow. That little packaged was destroyed so many times and rewrapped so many times that I lost count. But this was only a couple of years into this relationship and I had no clue what I would be dealing with for the next five years.

I let him take my “mojo” from me, whatever confidence and independence I had growing up had eroded in two very short years. I guess it really started when I dumped Chad, a really nice guy who treated me well and wanted me. I had made the decision that I needed to be single when I transfered to a university. I didn’t want to miss out on what college kids were doing and since he was hours away, I felt that I would be missing out on so much if I stuck with him. It was hard to do since he was my first but I thought that it would be better than sticking with him and seeing him less and less.

I got to college and met a guy who was into politics and I had all of these great conversations with him. I was intrigued. This was a man not a boy in my eyes and I ate it up. Until I found out he was married. I was foolish and grasping at straws. I had been in relationships for so much of my young life that being alone, especially when all of my younger college friends were pairing up scared me. That is when I met the ex.

I was at a fraternity party, drinking, dancing, smoking when I bumped into him. Cute, a little country but we sparked and I was still reeling from the bad choices of married guy. I played it cool, we danced and finally he asked for my number. Our first date was basic, dinner and a movie. Then he was off for spring break and I sat around wondering what our future together would bring.

I caught him in so many lies and indiscretions during those first few months. The old me would have walked away, the new me? I was desperate and convinced that this would be the only guy interested in me. Pathetic I know.

Things were always rocky with the ex, his actions almost always guaranteed bad reactions from me. He destroyed my one and only soriority formal by leaving to hit on some other girl at another function. I should have walked away then but I begged him that we could work it out. I would do whatever was needed to make him love me.

So when I moved to Nashville, I thought that things would get better, that me graduating from college would help the strain of the relationship. Then one night something happened that could have gone from a bad situation to a deal breaker. He had been out drinking with a friend. I had called a couple of times trying to get him to come to my place. They had been there drinking since early afternoon and it was getting late.

Then there was a knock on my door and laughter. They both sauntered in laughing histarically as if they had just heard the funniest joke in the world. I was dumbfounded by this, could tell they were way beyond drunk and that is when they asked me to come down to the car. The ex’s car was wrecked, not a little scratch but passenger side door caved in, mud and leaves everywhere. And they were laughing. . .I was not amused.

As they are telling me about their little adventure that evening back in my apartment, somthing snapped in me. I was so pissed, he could have hurt/killed his friend, they could have hurt someone else and they were laughing. I got right up in his face, got his attention and I slapped the shit out of the ex. I was shocked by my anger and the fact that I had actually hit him. Then I ran from him because I was convinced that he was going to retaliate, even his friend was shocked that the ex didn’t go after me. I ordered them both out of my apartment, locked the door and cried.

I should have kept that door locked and not answered the phone later into the night because he came back, acting as if nothing had happened. I let him back into my apartment and into my life. I shouldn’t have, I should have made it clear that the actions that night were not acceptable and I didn’t want him in my life until he straightened up.

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I had the nerve to be alone at 24. Here I am at 34 and until seven months ago I was alone for two years and it didn’t kill me. I might have moved to DC for a fresh start but for seven years I was convinced that the ex was meant to be with me and I was going to “fix” whatever was wrong in order for him to see me as someone he could not live without.

Post script~For those who might wonder what the breaking point was, I will get into later but I will say that the ex and I are friends now and he is someone that I cherish as a friend. It’s new ground for both of us but it works. I can also say had I not spent those seven years with him, I would not have gotten to where I am today.

Judging Others

We have all been there, at one time or another, we have judge someone. I try to do my best not to or to stop and think that it is their life, their choice and their consequences. It’s difficult at times and quite frankly, when you are trying to live a good life, the more opportunities come up to pull the judgemental card from your back pocket and run with it.

I watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 and came across a site that basically slams the family, daily. Do I agree with taking freebies, not having a concrete relationship with your extended family, constant yelling, etc? Umm, no. As someone who has kept plenty of children in her day I find some of it difficult to watch at times. Sure, the kids are too cute and my parents watch the show and we talk about it from time to time. But their are sites out there that have become a lynch mob. As a professor told me once, there are always three sides to a story and I try to live by this little nugget daily.

Which leads me to the Duggars. . .I love children but even when I was younger I never thought of having more than two children. I grew up basically an only child since my half siblings were so much older than me. I don’t agree with homeschooling but the reality is, their family, their choice. I don’t want to tell someone that their way of living is wrong since I believe that God gets to make the judgements and only him. But I do find them refreshing, they are well behaved, their fashion choices are not modern, nor will they make the best dressed list of People but it does work for them. They don’t seem to live and die by the labels that so many of us are wrapped up in (and this is coming from a girl who loves her fashion and labels).

But the same lynch mob that goes after the Gossliens are now going after the Duggars. They dog them for having so many children, for making them do chores and for sharing their belief system with their children. We each get our start in life with our parents’ belief system. It could be a “greed is good” belief or one that is based on Biblical teachings.

My parents raised me in church, to believe in God and to be nice, caring and a responsible person. That is what the Duggars are doing just different from what my parents and many of my friends’ parents did. I am glad that my parents allowed me to ask questions, to go out in this world and see for myself the good and the bad. I appreciate that and especially since I am on the political oposite spectrum of them.

So as we all go around, reading blogs, watching tv or even just hanging out in the mall; take a moment before you start judging someone because there is more than meets the eye and the life behind closed doors is just that behind closed doors and you never know what goes on back there.

I Think I Need a Hobby

I love to read and write but I feel like I need some sort of hobby that could utilize my creativeness and challenge me. I tried to knit and that failed misreably.

What are some of your hobbies and why do you like them. With the shitty economy I would love to find something I could do that would make for great gifts during the holiday season. I love me some Martha Stewart but can never translate what I see in my head into reality.

So, do tell please!!!!!

Gas Woes

Nashville has been a hot bed of activity this past week and it all revolves around our gas supply. I get that Hurricane Ike put a damper on the production of gasoline but what has happened around here seems kind of strange. The other week I happily fueled my car up even though I had half a tank left. I did this only because the price gouging that was happening made me realize that I might not have the money to fill up later.

I am glad I did this since the gas scare has made people act as if it was the end of the world. I kept going about my business, just driving as little as possible. I even put off hitting up Target to pick up prescriptions since that was going to be a trek.

By Friday the scare was in full force. Coworkers were all abuzz about where to find gas. Again, I must be living in my own little world because I had no clue. I knew the prices were ridiculous but I didn’t think we would run out of gas. Apparently the people convinced the sky was falling had been going everyday and filling back up, filling up their gas cans and God knows what else in order to horde gas. Also, a good portion of my coworkers have quite a trek into Nashville for work, so they actually have to fill up often. Some have resorted to car pooling (a great alternative but since I live like five miles from the office it doesn’t really work for me).

Then as I was waiting for 4pm to hit I hear a coworker stating that the City of Nashville was out of gas (guess we should all postpone any needs for police, ambulance and fire trucks). I left work thinking it can’t be this bad but as I was heading home, I got stuck in traffic (which is not normal for my ride home) and started looking at each gas station since I didn’t have anything else better to do. I passed seven gas stations on the way home, only one had gas. Ooookkkkaaaayyyy, this is really strange but again, I was still close to a full tank and had no plans to drive all over the place.

I headed out Saturday to run errands because I finally realized that I had to hit Target and the grocey. A couple of stations had gas but there were lines to even get into them. Then as I was settling on hitting Kroger since it is closet to my place I realize I can’t even get in there! Okay, what the hell is going on???? Can’t people just chill? So I opt to go to Publix which I love but was trying to save the mileage.

I had plans to stay in today, bake a little and be thankful that I don’t have to go out anywhere. As usual, since I don’t write lists when I go grocery shopping I ended up having to go out but at least it is only two blocks away. And guess what, those crazy people are still waiting for gas at Kroger!

Man, since I have over 3/4 of a tank left maybe I should have gotten in line as well. . . kidding. I have more pressing things to do, like take a nap.

Wookie is Well Read

This is what happens when you have time on your hands and a cat laying on you! What’s scary is he looks good in my glasses! Poor thing! I torture him on a daily basis. He turned NINE last week and I cannot tell you how much love and joy he brings me. Seriously, this cat knows how to make me smile. My parents call him the spawn of the devil but really he is just misunderstood because everyone else loves my little man.

I got my little furball when he wasn’t if six weeks old, saved him from a doomed life (I like to think of it this way) when I met him at a Business Expo my former job was holding at a local mall back home. I snatched him up because he looked just like our Louis, whom we lost six months prior. I wanted to name him Louis II but the parental unit thought it was a bit snotty. So my dad suggested Wookie, which was Louis’ nickname, well it was Wookie Woo. Yeah, my dad talks baby talk to the cats.

He used to fit in the palm of my hand but now weighs a wopping 19.2 lbs! He is my BIG little man and loves for me to cuddle with him. I got lucky with this one because my parents’ cats don’t like to cuddle at all. He is a talker, needy and all around socialable cat. He even drools!

Oh, you ask how I know how much he weighs? Well, he learned that from his momma! Oops! Didn’t mean to make him self conscious of his stature!

A Stranger Among Us

Drama, drama, drama and all I can say is you have to find the humor in it.

A couple of years ago a friend’s younger sister spent her summer out of town for an internship. I was quite impressed and jealous only because I wish I had those kind of opportunities years ago. While she is gone I check in with my friend, asking occasionally how it’s going. Great! She is loving it and taking advantage of the temporary city she is living in. Then I hear she has met someone online and they are going to meet up for a weekend. I was a little wary of this only because you never know who someone really is when you meet online (there’s a song in there somewhere. . . oh, nevermind Brad Paisley already took my idea!).

So they meet, get along and the next thing you know I am meeting him in our local Target after work. He seemed nice enough and I thought, well if it works for them then no worries. As time goes on, he stays in town, I learn that he is living with my friend’s mom and sister. Okay, a little weird but we are a welcoming group.

Through this time, we all get together for our little group outings and he is there. Now C is friends with all of us but she has her own group of friends and while they sometimes hang with us old folk, they don’t choose to spend all of their time with us.

We learn of his hardships, his mother passed, his stepfather didn’t like him, he was in med school. . .the list goes on. We all feel sorry for him and start to consider him as part of the family. Fast forward to when my wonderful friend S gets married last year. She opted for a destination wedding, just family with a huge party a few months down the road for her friends to attend. He ends up getting to go to the wedding because they felt bad for him and didn’t want to leave him here. I was a little hurt by this but wanted to respect my friend’s choice and just waited for the huge party.

I have my annual Christmas dinner party and invite him because, hey, he’s family and you can’t not invite family. We all have a great time and he really is this nice, funny guy. Fast forward to my Summer kick off party, he again is invited and during this time he loses his father. He hangs with the guys, they all chat and enjoy themselves. Pretty boring huh?

This summer we find out that he has a brain tumor and that chemo is not working. What a horrible tragedy! He has lost both parents within two years and he was supposed to start back at med school this fall. Surgery was not an option either. In this time he has lost his apartment, taken in by a couple of our friends and we are all trying to come up with things we can do for him to comfort him. I even volunteered to take him in when needed so he would have somewhere to stay.

It was all a lie (or at least part of it was, we may never know the truth)! His stories finally caught up with him, my friends confronted him and kicked him out. He had stolen money from others (not our friends) and the lies were catching up to him. My friends bought him a bus ticket out of town to a realatives. He changed the ticket to go to his mom’s. He sent C a sucide email, she wanted to ignore it but S and their mom said they needed to at least notify somebody. This is when they learn his mom is quite alive. He calls saying all sorts of things, that he is fine and to leave them alone. He then says if C wants to know how he is, she should call. His mom calls back the next day to find out what has been going on here. I don’t know the rest of the details and quite frankly, I don’t want to know.

What makes people do this? Especially weaving a story of dead mothers?! We welcomed him into our homes, we offered support and comfort and we were conned. I guess the moral of the story is never trust a stranger and charity is best kept to those professional organizations instead of taking it to a personal level. Which is a shame since our little group would have done anything for anyone.

I Am a Slacker

But only because work has overcome every facet of my life in the past couple of weeks. The insurance industry typically is busy during the fourth quarter and thankfully I don’t have to deal with that end of it! My busy time happens at random times of the year and since I cannot plan for it, I am normally surprised when it sneaks up on me.

That being said, my big event is coming up next month and while I am somewhat ahead of the curve on my to do list, I am secretly worried that I won’t get it all done. Has anyone ever expereinced a busy time at work but find it hard to focus? If so, what do you do to combat that? I have the big event to plan, a small learning event and an office event all within a seven day period. Plus I have been slacking on my normal duties because of the events that need to be orgainized.

I talked to a friend from home the other day and found out their was a huge gas scare. Huh? Am I really out of the loop in terms of what is happening in the real world. Apparently so. . .I saw gas prices jump up about 75 cents (and that is being kind) but realised I had half a tank left and I wasn’t worried. Then I talked to my dad and started to worry about what if gas gets ridiculous? I am struggling financially (by my own actions) and then thought, well, if worse comes to worse, I guess I will be taking the bus and changing my schedule accordingly.

I had coffee with a friend Friday evening and when I was heading home decided to whip into the only station selling regular for 3.65 (man I miss the days of 79 cent gas). I had to wait for a bit and noticed that regular was out but mid grade was still 30 cents cheaper than regular everywhere else. They were refilling the gas and while it is not a good idea to get it when they are refilling (something about crap floating around more when the tanks get refilled) I got my cheap regular gas.

Saturday I made the mistake of going to the mall. I am almost out of foundation (and my skin is picky about makeup) so I hit up the Clinique counter since they were having bonus days. I opted to not get my soap since it was in the bonus and that buys me a little more time before having to buy it. I went to look for pants that I could actually wear to work since I have gained so much weight but instead bought a present for my mom for Christmas. Kind of regretting it now since mom had to say something nasty to me tonight. I had asked dad for some money for clothes (which I don’t normally do) and he said he would talk to mom. Well, I mention to mom about the pants and she says that I am 34 and need to learn how to stand on my own. Seriously? I haven’t asked for money from them in ages, don’t every think of them as my fallback and I got this comment. So I will be wearing two pairs of pants all week with tops that are snug but hey, I won’t ask for a damn thing ever again. In fact I am almost tempted to say don’t worry about presents for Christmas, I don’t want to be a burden. Sidenote, for the past four years I have been paying for their cell phones. It doesn’t cost a lot more to add them to my plan and I did it because I wanted to. I don’t throw it in their faces yet I get this little tidbit from my mom. Well, at least I am not planning on getting married because I would then get the lecture of they don’t have the money to pay for it and don’t want to anyway.

Like I said, it’s been a busy week, I actually found out that I can build a spreadsheet that can kill my computer (who knew?). I ended up taking work home with me Thursday since I needed to get it done and learned of my little gaffe. Oops.

The weekend has been filled with me doing nothing. I finally got some laundry done this evening, put some clothes up, packed my lunch for tomorrow and gotten the trash together. The bf is out town (he did go to the game like I thought he would) and I haven’t talked to him since Friday night. Not real happy about that but at this point I am just so irritated, hurt, over life in general that none of this surprises me.

I am seriously thinking of staying here for Thanksgiving; while it would probably hurt my parents feelings I am just over the judgemental stuff from my mom. She means well but she doesn’t get it. She wasn’t on her own at 34, she didn’t struggle with one salary while watching everyone else get ahead. I have held off on getting a second job but right now I am seriously thinking about doing it because I need the money and if I ever want to live somewhere other than an apartment, it is going to take two incomes. And since I am a family of one, my future depends on me getting more money flowing through so I can buy something. As much as I love my job I may need to look elsewhere once the economy picks back up.

So, welcome to my bitter, pissy world. I promise to write more funny stuff soon. I guess it has just been a hard month for me.

Relationships

Remember in Clueless how Cher discusses the differences in girl time vs boy time? Well, she comments how in boy time, calling you the next day is more like calling you in three or four days. I have never played this game only because it is silly and quite frankly, if you are interested in someone than just call them up. Screw those rules.

I think I am in a growing pains stage with the bf and I am a bit frustrated. I know I have my own little issues that I carry around in my Coach bag, shocking huh? But as I try to move forward and deal with them I am confronted by some things that really drive me crazy.

Bf is a great guy, nice, etc. but since he has been traveling for work I have noticed that there are things that bother me and am not sure how to handle them. I got used to communicating with him daily, whether it was talking on the phone, texting or spending time together. However, this past business trip, there were days where I did not speak to him period. Like, sent a text, never heard back, calls were either sporadic or the calls were short in comparison to when we first started going out.

The there is the whole football season thing; now I love me some football but. . .he has season tickets to his alma matter. He mentioned when we first started dating that I would be going to some games; as time as gotten closer it looks like I might be invited to one game but that is still not set in concrete. He tells me stories about his friends but I have yet to meet one of them.

Maybe I am just paranoid but it seems like maybe he is not so sure about introducing me to his friends. Sure, they live out of town but a couple have popped into town and his parents as well but I was not included. This bothers me but I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch about this so I keep my mouth shut. I am more hurt than anything because I feel like I am going down the same path I did with G and quite frankly, I am not in the mood to do that again.

I try to pull things out of him in regards to past relationships but he tends to jump when I do that. My guess is that he hasn’t been in a ton of relationships and doesn’t want to talk about it. But hell, I will answer any question you have for me and consider myself an open book. We have all done things that we are not proud of but the real point of discussing the past is to show what you have learned.

This past weekend has been a real quest for me in terms of the fears I have and quite frankly, I have come close to just pulling the plug on this. Why? I don’t want to date someone for a year, two years only to find out that he wasn’t that into me. To be frank, if this doesn’t work I am done with dating. I just want to know where I stand in his life. If he is unsure then I can say, well, we tried, good luck and I hope you find someone that makes you want to open your mouth and share, anything.

The reality is I don’t want to share my feelings about him to him because of the unknown. Dating sucks and no matter how much I want to have a marriage and children I am beginning to think that getting those two stupid little things are not in the cards for me. I shared that with Eliot years ago and here I am still feeling like this. I got on eHarmony because I knew I wasn’t going to meet a guy in my normal life for dating purposes.

I will see bf this evening, the first time in a week and a half and am hoping that my bad attitude will dissipate before he comes to pick me up.  He is leaving again for business Thursday and won’t be back until the following Friday. They have another home game that weekend and while he is wavering on should he go or not I know that in the end, he will go.  And probably not think much about  how long it has been since he has seen me.

Yeah, someone pissed in my Frosted Flakes but I figure after being burned so many times before, none of this is shocking anymore.

Umm, Am I Supposed to Feel Sorry for Puff Daddy?

I was cruising the internet this morning, doing my daily ritual of viewing all of the sites I look at and noticed that P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean Combs, whatever he likes to be called bitching and moaning about how he is now forced to fly commercial. I feel for you Diddy, I mean, you have millions, can travel wherever you want, buy whatever you want and do whatever you feel like (including a horrible episode of My Sweet Sixteen, where his baby momma’s son turns 16 and he drops a buttload of money on the spoiled kid) but your gripe is that you now have to fly with us common folk.

I mean, I struggle to pay my bills, deal with the rising cost of gas and put off a vacation due to the economy but damn, you do have it rough. I would hate for you to have to live on my salary (gasp!) and have to make decisions like do I drive out to Radnor Lake to exercise or do I make do with what is near me in terms of exercising and saving some gas so I only have to fill up twice a month. I can understand the struggles you go through: do I buy the $50K car or the $60K car, natch.

And don’t get me started on the whole “there are no black people in Alaska and Alaska doesn’t really matter.” Damn, you are right, Alaska maybe part of the United States but it doesn’t really count. I get you and your line of thought. I guess their tax revenues and what they do bring to the table doesn’t really count. I think you should really start a petition to kick Alaska out of America. I think a lot of people would get behind it and while you are at it, I think you should have a telethon to raise money so you can fly privately again. It doesn’t matter that there are millions of people who are struggling to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and just keep their heads above water. I think we could all pitch in and contribute to your luxurious lifestyle. I guess I could forgo paying my rent and car for the month, hell, I could forget about eating (I am fat, so that would help with the losing the weight issue) in order to give you about $2K.

Yeah, I feel sooooo sorry for you. Poor thing, no I must run and grab my checkbook so I can contribute to your hard life. Just one question for you: which name do you want on the check?

I Finally Figured It Out!

And by IT I mean, I finally figured out how to make fried corn. People, this was a wonderful experience last night and one that I felt needed to go in the annuls of history!!! I grew up under the feet of many family members while they ran around the kitchen. Food was comfort to me and a way of making friends when I went away to college. While most people pour over the fashion and sports magazines, I pour over cook books and restaurant menus. Kind of dorky but I love reading menus, to see what a chef pairs with their main courses.

Granny is an amazing cook, while at the ripe young age of 94 she no longer cooks, I still remember several items that she cooked that I loved. One being fried corn, traditional southern food that when paired with mashed potatoes (no box crap for me) I can make a meal of that (hence the weight issues). I tried a few years ago to make it when Granny vowed not to make it again since it was a process that hurt her hands and wrists. So I thought it was no biggie to make it. Well, I failed at it and vowed I would never attempted it again.

Well, never say never because I had five ears of corn that needed to be dealt with this week and I decided to give it the ole college try one more time. This time, instead of trying it like Granny told me (which consisted of using a little bit of this and a little bit of that) I hit the internet to see what it said about the corn. I finally figured out how to do it and with minimal pain, actually succeeded! Yes! Finally I got it right and it made me smile because I hate to fail in the kitchen.

Now if I could only figure out how to make Granny’s dressing, I would be beyond thrilled but again, she never used a recipe and the only way I know how to do it is using a box of dressing and kicking it up several notches with my own improvising.