Going into month five (shocking I know!) of the relationship with bf has me wondering (in true Carrie, Sex and the City) when is the right time to lay all the cards out on the table. Sure we talk about things in the abstract but when is the right time to say, “Where is this going?”
I am the first to admit I suck at communicating my feelings because I am guarded. I don’t want to get hurt but at the same time, do I want to date someone again for two and a half years only to have my dreams dashed again? I can’t read the bf, sure I know we have a ton in common, we enjoy spending time with each other and since I am not cooking like I used to because he is the one doing the cooking, I know he enjoys taking care of me. But how does this translate into how we truly feel about each other?
We have talked about kids, marriage, our friends in relation to our wants and needs but it seems like we are dancing around the subject. I know I took a step back when we went through the kitchen remodel at his place. He irritated me, made me want to scream at him and I was flat out exhausted while doing this. But does this mean I have changed my mind?
In a word, no. It was our first time working on a project like this and seeing as I have a bit more experience in this area my patience was quite worn. He still makes me laugh and he tends to lean on me when his job stresses him out. It is nice to be asked how my day was, am I feeling okay or the question that seems to be repeated too often lately, how my mouth is doing. I know he cares and I know that he is a nice guy but dang it, can’t he just open up about where he sees this going?
It took me hitting my thirties to finally admit, openly that yes, I want to get married and have kids. We both have about the same timeline for kids and for me; if this doesn’t work, I am hopping off the dating train and accepting that having all of the above stated is not in the cards for me. While it is a daunting thought, I will say that I can handle it, don’t really want it but I don’t want to force someone into a marriage just because.
My mom (gasp!) kept talking about how weird it seems to her (and I am sure some of my friends) that I am such good friends with the ex. Sure, it is odd, we have a good friendship based on years of a toxic dating relationship. I know him like the back of my hand and it is an easy friendship but me taking the easy road has never been my style. We care about each other but neither see the other in that OMG love and that is what I want. We are still quite different and what we want out of life is still polar opposites.
BF is my future, I just wish I could articulate my feelings for him to him. He accepts my quirks and he accepts the friendships I have with the men in my life. This is such a huge deal for me because having a guy in my life that accepts everything about me has not happened. They accept parts of it, they deal with the quirks but never have they been embraced by past guys.
I would ask my Magic 8 Ball if he is the one but apparently it likes to give me different answers on different days so it is of no use. I will say, if he wasn’t that into me, he certainly wouldn’t be camping out at my place next week while I babysit a friend’s furbabies while they are on vacay. I love that the bf doesn’t mind doing that and gets that I don’t want my little man alone. . .even if I am only a ten minute car ride away.
Sigh. . .