I never really got into MySpace, too creepy and reminded me of a meat market. So while I have a private MySpace account I never really got into blogging on there or really sharing too much of myself. Then I heard about Facebook. When I joined, I think there were about a handful of people I graduated with on there. Now? Tons of people I went to school and church with, all friending everyone but not a lot of substance. I have a few “friends” on there that I didn’t even hang out with, I knew who they were not sure if they knew who I was but hell, why not. It is interesting to look at their pictures, to get a look at what it would have been like to be there friends when we were younger. Plus, curiosity gets to you and you just want to know what everyone is up to.
It got me thinking about my choices in life and the what ifs. Sure I could sit here for a month and think about all of this but the reality is it will not change where I am at now. I talked to a friend Friday night who I haven’t seen in years. It was great talking to him but he gave me some insight on life back home today. He has kids there and visits often. He mentioned one mutual friend and her getting into the “right” social circle back home. I was a little shocked to hear this because she didn’t seem the type to do this. She was always popular, well liked, funny and had her shit together. Sure, if I called her up tonight, she would be pleasant but I doubt I would fit in with this circle.
I tried the whole fitting in when I moved home briefly for a job after college. It was a disaster. It was like I had been gone too long and no longer was “welcome” in my hometown. I know I didn’t try hard enough because as soon as I moved back I was pining to come back to Nashville. I needed a bigger city, where I didn’t know people everywhere I went. True story: I had just moved out of my parents’ place to my own apartment. I had gotten off work, ran home, changed clothes and hit the grocery store. I ran into a grade school teacher who looked into my basket, asked me if I was single and then said, oh, cooking for one, how sad! Sure, we had a nice conversation but this one comment has stayed with me since then. I was probably 25 at the time and that bothered me. It made me think that my mentality about marriage was way off base to those back home. I just thought that I needed to know myself a little better before I drug someone else into this mess. Plus, I want to only get married one time and no one at that time really made me say, gee, I want to be with this guy for the rest of my life.
So Facebook brings with it all those stupid youthful insecurities and what do I do? I compare myself to them and feel like such a loser. Sure some are married with kids, others are not but I go back to how I felt in high school and it sucks. Why do I keep going back to look at this stupid site? I apparently like to punish myself. Those kids in school that knew my name but didn’t hang out with me are now my “friends” on Facebook. It reminded me of my ten year reunion which I felt like I needed massive amounts of alcohol to cope with it. I ended up at an after party talking to people that I did hang out with when the hostess, who I think only spoke to me when we were in a class together in college, came up, said my name and asked how Nashville was treating me. I literally had to look down to see if I had a nametag on that had that information on it. I didn’t think the A crowd knew who I was or even cared about who I was. I was a dork in high school who didn’t really do much in terms of misbehaving and by the time I decided to misbehave I was at MTSU drinking to my heart’s content away from everyone I had ever grown up with.
I know people that look back at their teen years and wish they could have another go at it. Me? I would rather gain another 40 pounds and be alone for the rest of my life. Sure, there were things I liked about being a teenager but most of that came with church camp and activities surrounding said church. I liked how people perceived me there, maybe it was because I found my own group of misfits to hang out with that felt the same way I did at school.
I also have an ex-boyfriend that I am now friends with on Facebook. He was the guy I dated my senior year and man, I thought I was in love. I was convinced that he was the one for me and when we broke up (officially on my high school graduation night–this set a precedent for crappy things marking milestones for me) I thought my life was over. I was that stupid desperate girl chasing after him in an attempt to get him back. I did this little routine with ex M and held out hope for the only guy I have ever truly been in love with for a bit but by then I did manage to scale back the desperation smell reeking out of my pours. This particular ex is engaged now and from pictures they look really happy.
On a much lighter note, my friend Terrie, aka Hooch, finally was sucked into it and we now send flair to each other. Yes, we are dorks but it is great to reconnect with friends and I guess it isn’t as evil as I like to think it is. Plus, Wookie (my cat) is on Catbook so I have to keep up with him and his friends. . .