As I was trying to find ways to avoid working out I came across a friend’s post on LJ and had to giggle to myself because we are both in the same boat. Both of us have had long term relationships (well, she was married, me, um no) and they have turned out, what’s the word I am looking for? Oh yeah, they didn’t turn out so well. H has been in the dating pool a bit longer than me but I swear we could sit and talk for hours about what each has been through. (hint, you need to visit Nashville)
Dating is tough and I am not talking about the dating you did back in the day. I dated a lot back then and as I like to say to friends-I lost my mojo once I hit college. Sure I could blame the ex for what happened to my confidence but the reality is I allowed it to happen and then became so focused on being a part of the crowd that I thought that settling was okay.
But I digress, dating today in my thirties is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know what I want but I don’t want to push it on a guy and quite frankly when the one finally proposes you want them to because that is what they want too. You know, the whole I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life without you in it. After finally falling really in love with the last guy I dated and getting dumped I have put up all kinds of walls. Is it fair to any guy that comes into my life? No but it is me and one of the quirks you have to really like about me in order to stay around.
H has this great guy in her life, they have things in common, they travel, they talk but they haven’t defined the relationship. Why? Well, if she is anything like me, she doesn’t want to for fear of being hurt. But the other part is why define? A relationship should flow naturally and seriously, we are old enough to know that asking to go with me is too grade school. She likes him, he likes her; so what is the problem?
Communicating all of those feelings without scaring the guy away is one of the issues. Another? What if I think when guy says X I am interpreting him saying Y? Women overanalyze, men simplify. We tend to worry about how we look, what we said or did or if he doesn’t call or text like he normally does we think the worst. And what if you think the relationship should go to the next level? How do you broach that one? What if you are just wondering about expectations?
I definitely don’t mind talking about any of this with my girlfriends and should bf bring it up, sure I will talk about it but me throwing it out there? Hells no! Why? I am a chicken and once you have really had your heart broken the last thing you want to do run back into the line waiting on it to get broken again.
We talked a bit last night but it was all over the map and let me tell you, it was such a one the surface talk that I couldn’t tell you what he really thinks about me. My fear? He is just bidding his time for someone better. Sounds pathetic no? Well I have to admit that I hate feeling that way but how do you overcome those nagging feelings, those ugly thoughts that you shove to the back of your brain? And the funniest part of all of this is I am over analyzing the whole thing and he probably hasn’t had a thought like that go through his brain.
Men and women communicate differently and that I get. I have had more close guy friends than girlfriends and communicate well with them but if the romantic part creeps in; it is all over with because I am an idiot. So while H & I continue to over think the whole dating thing with our men, if anyone has a thought, suggestion or the name of a really good therapist (or nunnery, hey I am open to it) please let me know. I know what I don’t want but communicating that to someone of the opposite sex renders me speechless.